An “L” word Letter (No, not Lesbian - but never say never.)
Haven’t written one of these to anyone in a long while. Must document…before denial (and fear) sets in.
Here I am, tapping with my thumbs on the tiny keyboard of my little “lifeline” at 5:00am. It happens more often than you would think. I do a lot of my thinking in my sleep and the thoughts pour out through my very tone Blackberry thumbs when I wake.
I’m not sure at this moment what will pour out, but I woke up suddenly wanting to “talk” to you. I can see you now, sleeping on your stomach, at an angle stretched out wide, as if the tattoo in between your shoulder blades needs to breathe. I wish I was there next to you to touch it, feel it… cool then oh so warm. I can almost feel now what I feel when I open my eyes in the wee hours of one of our luscious Sunday mornings together. I roll over to touch your back and kiss your tattoo good morning. It feels good. Peaceful. Comforting.
Peace and comfort are hard to come by these days. The worries of my big harsh reality creep into my thoughts to rob me of precious sleep. The fact that I can find both peace and comfort in virtual buckets when we are together — on the beach, in your bed, on a bar stool, a street corner holding hands, in my garage, curled up on your couch, in your elevator… it’s not something I take for granted. I am so thankful and more than a little amazed by it all. Sometimes, I swear… I’m literally dizzy.
I so don’t want to lose the deep and lovely dizzy feelings of peace and comfort and wild abandon and childlike goofiness that come so naturally when we are together. I guess I focus on the fear of losing things more than I should - it keeps me up at night. But focus on it I do. It is what it is. I am who I am in this moment. I’m Ok with that.
In this moment, I just want to be happy. I want everyone who means anything to me in my life to just be happy. In this moment, you mean so much to me. That keeps me up late at night thinking and churning. It’s surprising. Not what I expected, but it is what it is.
In between the lines of our amusing, razor sharp, cursin’-like-a-sailor verbal sparring matches, and inside of my head in those many moments when you catch the wheels spinning (you know, the wheels in my brain attached to my carefully guarded- don’t-come-too-close-you-mofo- heart,) I just really want you to be happy because— you make me happy. Dizzy happy. (WTF, mofo???)
I have no idea where this little life trip we find ourselves on together will take us, or how we will navigate the twisted turns and WTF bumps. But, I do feel that this is a trippy trip meant to be, at the right place and time, for the right reasons - whatever “right” means. I know that I feel connected to you in many ways, on multiple levels and more than a few frequencies. I feel comfort and peace and warmth and energy and fire and passion and lightness of being and joy and silliness and a bit of wonderment whenever I am with you. Wow. Surprises are the best.
I think my thumbs are done. They’ve shot their load. I will roll over now to try and catch some much needed sleep and conjure a glimpse of the tattoo in between your shoulder blades - breathing.
See you soon, my sweet.
Love,
d.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T